Ah, darkness. You think you have absorbed it. You think, while it does live inside you, it has been put on hibernation for life because you have a lifeline with you. You joke about it. You show it that you don’t care anymore and it doesn’t effect you anymore. You don’t care about what it did to you. You don’t care about the scars it left you with. You don’t care about the flashbacks it still sends you. You don’t care about the thoughts it wrapped around you once. You don’t care about the violence it incited in you. You don’t care about the loneliness it made you feel.
You have left it all behind because you have this lifeline and a bright shining light with you, holding you tight, taking care of you. It was just another chapter of your life that you have read, that you have scribbled every word of on your heart, that you have burnt and smoked the ash of. You move on clinging to the light. You still have the nightmares but that light has not left you. It shrugs off those nightmares and you are moving along nicely. You have your moments when you see your future with the light. A bright future ahead. A future full of promises and their fulfillment. A future free of hurdles. A future that you start to believe in. A future which will forcefully wake the darkness up and show the brightness that you have in your life, to kill the darkness that troubled you for all this time and get rid of it for good.
But after all, it is darkness. You think you have conquered it. It is waiting for you silently. It is creeping up on you and you never realise it. It is taking over you with those nightmares but you’re too cocky to ignore its advances. The future has you too blinded with brightness that you stop thinking what is happening inside you. You think you have put it into hibernation but it’s waiting there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It’s smoldering there inside, silently rising up the the smoke to warn you but you’re having none of it. The light has neutralised the smoke.
You are getting back to being normal. You are feeling. You are caring. You stopped letting the evil take over you and your thoughts. You are making efforts to get the light attached to you till your last breath. The light has taught you to feel normal again. To feel vulnerable at times too. You fear loss again. You start to care of your life again. You are happy. You are smiling. The joy keeps increasing by every passing hour. You are satisfied. You are content with how you are going.
BAM! Here’s the moment, the tragedy, the shock, the bang which has woken up the darkness. You still try to hold back. The light is still shining as bright as ever. You’re desperately clinging on to it but the darkness has woken up. The pandiculation is suggesting that it’s coming for you but you don’t care. After all, you have conquered it. It’s just one of those nightmares again. You’ll fight it. In essence, it’s all the silence that had been building up. The silence is the scream you denied to hear. It is the instrument waiting for your composition. It is the words waiting for you to sing them. Urging you to talk to it. It is the emotion, begging you to feel it. And when you don’t, it creeps up. Just like silence does when left unnoticed for a while. The effects are there but you are too dumb to understand. That light again there. Keeping you with it and still denouncing the darkness.
It’s time to make a move and guess who makes it. Yeah, the creep. That nightmare again. The flashbacks again. The past again. All going on while the tragedy is there. It has crept up above your head. It’s getting darker but you are still clinging on to the light. For how long? Will the light tolerate it after all the hard work it has done to bring you back, only for it to be taken over again? A part of you wants to embrace the darkness and never return from it ever again. A part of you wants to make one more effort to push harder and hang on to the light. It’s a tug of war with no response from the light yet. The light has had enough of you too. It has done all it could and yet here you are, falling back into the darkness. How much more will it do? The shadows start to appear. The darkness is slowly eclipsing the light and here you are, waiting to be pulled back by the light or taken into the deepest pit of the darkness. During all this, the voice inside you says:
“Let me be. It’s enough that I’m alive.”