You pick yourself up one last time with that enlightening support beside you. Despite being thrashed and abandoned, you get up and hold on to that support. Despite your past pulling you back into misery, you grab on to that support. You come out of it. You see the demons being left behind. You arrogantly wave them goodbye because you know it’s all bright ahead of you, and you continue walking. You hold that support tightly, hug it and move along it. You lose it occasionally but you never let go of it. You see your future settled. You reach the halfway mark of your destination. You wait for the support to pull you further. Just as you lift your step, you’re pushed back to where it started from. Misery has its arms wide open to squeeze you in. You make one last ditch effort to repel the force. You’re helped into the misery by the support itself. It has turned into a shadow darker than the demons you left behind. You can’t help but turn towards misery. Smiling and embracing it totally. Misery, let’s get the party started.
Author Archives: Zain
Right from the moment she was born, she was a special girl. She was named after the title of one of the most strongest and intelligent women to ever live on this planet. It literally translates to being “Great”. Indeed she was and is great. Nature chose it specifically for her. The name was then accompanied by another great name. The one of the leader of women in paradise. Safe to say, she was God’s chosen one.
When He chooses, He tests the chosen one as well. More than He does any one else. She had it going tough as she gained her senses. She stayed put. She had her support besides her all the time. The greatest gift from Him. Her mother. Despite everything around her, she moved on. The characteristics provided to her by those names she possessed, they polished day by day. She grew up fighting all those demons around her, on her own. They got worse year by year. She kept fighting them. She kept emerging victorious.
Then came a time when she got tired of it all. She didn’t have much left in her to fight. She was taken down. Demons all over her. Even her support system did not work. All that work of demons for these 26 years had finally taken her down. She resisted but she lacked courage this time.
This is her biggest and possibly the final test. As much as I know her, she will fight this too. She will beat this. She will put this one behind and this time, for good. She will leave no paths open to let those demons enter her life again. One last fight. One last effort. She will rise. The warrior in her will rise. With more intensity than ever before. Everything will be banished now. She is rising and the days for these demons are numbered. After all, she is the chosen one and demons can never take over them.
You were wandering around somewhere in the realms of darkness, pretending to enjoy the fragile cloak of rudeness and profanity and then you see someone on the virtual worlds of internet and immediately something clicks inside you. You knew for a fact that this horizon is 99% fake but that sudden click you had, it brought along a feeling of something genuine. You released that cloak a little to let you know what this light had brought along with it. It brought along with it the positivism that you had always craved for. It brought along with it the sense of genuineness which had no alternative. It felt like you finally had something that you had always wanted. You put down that cloak and pull up yourself, for one final time, for one last effort, to climb out of that deepest pit of self inflicted darkness and to soak that light completely.
You took little steps, keeping yourself under that ray of light as it guided you towards exiting the pit. You forgot about yourself almost totally in the bid to keep that light with you. As you climbed up further, you started getting scared of darkness. You were darkness’ favorite demon and now you shivered at even the thought of it getting dark. You haD little moments where you thought that all that wait was totally worth it. You kept a snap of those moments to cherish later when you have reached your promised land. You got along with those moments, to create more. You evolved yourself in that process. You found hidden things and abilities about you, extracted by that ray as it started getting brighter and brighter. You never felt that much motivated before and you decided to give in all you could. You decided to defy all odds. You created more memories and held on to that light. You decided you will never share it with anyone else. Once you soak it all in, you will keep it hidden from others because it is all yours. You dedicated yourself for it. You got jealous when someone else tried to come near it.
There were patches where clouds came and diminished that ray but you fought those to get that light over you again. Every time you sent away those clouds, your destination became more and more clear. You felt more confident. You started understanding it more. You got yourself used to it. You wandered around at times to take a faster route but you couldn’t. You had to collaborate with the shining star. Then one day when you were down and tired, you didn’t see the clouds coming. You couldn’t determine it’s getting darker. Couple of days later, it rained heavily. That’s when you realised the mistake that you had made. You should have never let the tiredness take you down. It needed an effort much harder than the starting steps to send away the rain and dark clouds. You were fighting on two fronts at that moment. The rain itself and the guilt of letting it rain. You had never deserved that light to guide if it had to rain like this only, when you have come up this far. You pulled yourself up, you got a reminder of all those moments that you had created, of those little memories inside them, you fought for those. You fought those clouds, you let them drain on you because you deserved all that. Once you were drenched, you picked yourself up again. You couldn’t lose it now or you would have fallen right down on your back and would never be able to get up again. You reached out for that shine again. You spoke of what motivated you and still had kept you going. You spoke of your jealousies, your effort, your desires and everything. You spoke of the transition that had happened. You had held it all up and waited for a moment when you reach the top to say it all but it was the time. You told all that had been cooking inside while you were still getting up. You shared your desires of everything you wanted to do when you reached the top. You let it all out and raised your hand, still drenched in the rain, to lift you up and take you out of it…
It wasn’t meant to be then. You still had to crawl your way up. You did. You put in more effort and more care this time. There were still overcast days but you swiped them off. Reaching up there was now your top most priority. All along, you created more memories. You were a part of many more moments than you had before. You caressed them. You wanted them to be repeated. You kept falling for them more and more. Some got stamped on your heart and mind. You continued on your journey and then one fine moment, you get introduced to the more sheer brilliance of what you had been chasing. You felt there was so much more to be discovered yet. You geared up yourself for it too. Your eyes lit up and sensed the edge getting closer and closer.
Suddenly, there comes a lid as you were still under the influence of this new shine. The lid of seriousness and a permanent shadow. You were asked to halt right there. You were asked to watch your movement and not climb any further. You were told there’s nothing there. After all that you had done, it came to this abrupt stop. You were perplexed. You didn’t know how to react. All those moments started to run around in your mind one by one. You tried to hold onto your sanity. You agreed to all that was said to you. Inside you, there was this race between the darkness and the light that still sneaked in. All those demons that you had left behind you, it felt like they were speeding themselves up to drag you down again with you. You thought for a moment to let them take you away but the pull from that shine was still strong enough. You still had some strength left to hold yourself there and reflect on it. You still believed there’s something waiting for you and it will come at its designated time. You are ready to fight through this too. You have a feeling that you will be embraced. There’s only one thing that holds you a little back. When? And will you still have enough strength left to take one final leap and embrace it? You know there will be support but you’re afraid of losing your grip and getting lost in the darkness. You’re afraid of never getting out of the pit… You’re afraid of totally losing this remaining light there is….
“I’m not beautiful”, you said one day. I wish you realise how much beautiful you are because you will probably not take my word seriously for it. From your physical attributes to the person that you are, I could go on all day to explain all day how much beautiful you are and it’d still be not enough.
Have you ever seen your hair flowing with the air? Have you ever realised how much adorable your smile is? You’re tall, you’re hot, you’re smart, you’re witty, you have brains, you have an exceptional sense of humour, your big eyes, those expressions of yours when you like something that you have done, and the cutest of all, the little dimple that you get. I could go on and on but I will save something for later.
I have mad respect for you because of the way you have lived your life till now, overcoming every hardship life had to throw at you. You stayed true to the name you have been given, showing the world that nothing can put you down. Despite all the shit, you have pulled yourself through and conquered. Damn you, girl!! I wish I had an even inch of the courage you have.
I thought I had known you almost completely but since this past week, it feels like I have only known a glimpse of you. You are so much more than you look. There’s so much more to explore about you, to understand you and I know that is much more awesome than what I had already known. I wish to know more of your passionate side and all that is still classified.
I am lucky enough to be the person you share your things with easily. I think I have done probably some good things in my life that I was rewarded with getting to know you. I look at your smiling avi first up in morning because it charges me up like nothing else. Till the moment you send me “moorninngg”, I don’t feel like doing anything. And when it’s just a simple “Morning”, my heart immediately starts to race and to get to the depth of the thing that has caused you to be upset. Nothing seems to work when you’re down. I want to try all I can in that moment to know what’s disturbing you. I know I am so annoying at that moment when I keep asking you what has happened but I just can’t help it. In that moment, I just want to squeeze in all that sadness from you.
I have mad respect for you, Paglee, and I can’t ever bring myself to take it for granted. I will seriously hurt myself from the guilt if it is ever tarnished. I know the limits and boundaries that we have and I swear it to you, I’m never crossing those. And I know it for instance that if I ever get carried away, you’ll halt me right there.
I fear losing you and this bond that we share. I have totally dedicated myself for you and your happiness. I can’t think of pulling out from it now. You are everything I have now apart from my career. I don’t ever want to lose this awesome-azing person from my life.
“I would have believed had I possessed such a pretty face and smile”, she said after I had dedicated a short clip to her, telling her how I feel when she smiles while with me.
She doesn’t know how beautiful her smile is. It could be ordinary for her or as she put it, “there’s nothing special about it.” I only wish she’d know how beautiful it is.
You know, the feeling when the very first ray strike your face in the morning, accompanied by a cold breeze and coupled with a melodious chirp, that’s how beautiful it is. Like the full moon shining at its brightest. Like the aroma of fresh coffee beans brewed. As fresh and charming as the first flower of spring. Like the first breeze after rain which brings along with it the rainbow. Your smile is the reason I look forward to live another day.
I’ll finish this off with “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cx girl you’re amazing, just the way you are”
I pray that you always keep smiling ❤
This is dedicated to someone very special and very very close to my heart. You know who you are!
“You know you have brought out this person from within me. I don’t think any one else would have that impact on me. I didn’t even know I could use the words to bring out the feelings that you have incorporated in me. For a person who used to copy essays from solved booklets so that he can pass with reasonable marks, the transformation to use the most complex of words and mix them into something coming from the depth of my heart, there could not have been a much beautiful inspiration as you.
I got to know you when I had almost reached the end of a dark pit. Clinging to you, I have brought myself up again. Your voice is the music which charges me up everyday and gets me going. My day doesn’t start until I hear “morning” in your raspy voice. Your words fill me up more than anything else would. Your smile is the reason I look forward to live another day. When you’re happy, everything grooves and dances with your every smile and laughter. When you flip your hair, it feels like the first breeze after a hot day. Your warmth feels like the first ray of sunlight after a cold, dark night. Those little moments, filled with your sparkling smile and scintillating laughter, they are worth wiping off a lifetime of sorrows.
I can’t see you sad. When you’re down. it feels like everything has lost its purpose of existence. Only you matter in that moment. When you’re down, I wish to be there with you and soak it all up. A tear from your eye and I wish to strangle every breath out of the person who caused it. The pearls that drop off your eyes, even half of them is worth more than the life of the person who caused it.
I may not understand you at times. That’s because I am an ordinary person and unlike me, you’re like poetry. Every time I read, I find something new, something different. Poetries aren’t supposed to be simple. They’re meant to be deciphered. I ask you to assist me in understanding so we can move forward without any misunderstandings. We will still have our arguments and little fights but that is the essence of it. We have come through the baddest of fights and I believe we will continue to come through it. Agar tum saath ho!
You are a gem that is hidden deep down in caves. You are a pearl hidden in the hardest of shells. Your eyes.. They send out invitation to look deep into them and explore your beautiful soul. Your cheeks. They are as flawless as silk. Your wit and sharpness.. I can rarely match it. You are one of the prettiest of human beings I have seen and you possess and equally gorgeous heart.
On a perfect spring day, I wish to take you to the longest of drives, humming our favourite songs. I wish to dine with you and hear all the stories that you have kept up with yourself. I wish we walk along the beach, reliving the moments we have had. I wish for moments where we keep talking and talking and when you’re too tired, you rest on my shoulder and sleep.
I know this has become way too cheesy but I have put out whatever I had in this moment for you. I won’t leave you even if I have to defy the inevitable for it. And when it takes you with it, I’ll just hold on to your hand and lie down with you. You’ll be seeing me besides you in a few moments….”
The calamity that was 2013… The resurgence that was 2014… I have always been a firm believer of whatever happens, nature has very strong reasons behind it and it pays you back at a designated time for it. 2015 in almost every other moment, made that belief stronger and stronger.
It began with the resurgent effects of 2014 still in place, but they had been overtaken by a ray of hope and happiness in the form of a person. For me, there was something strange from the moment we started interacting and it got stronger day by day, putting a stamp on it when I was about to fly for Dubai. For all the emotional desires that had been mentioned in many previous posts, they were getting fulfilled. Again, there’s a time for everything.
It was a really happening year. Travels, injuries, personal development, friendships, losses, cruel realisations, reunions, almost everything. I traveled more than I had in the entire 24 years of my life. Dubai at the beginning of the year. Those 3 days were nothing more than exceptional. I discovered what real partying is. Danced my heart/mind/ass/everything out without thinking about anyone’s judgement on my graduation night.
In August, set out on a journey to the north of Pakistan. I wanted to write a travel diary too but this block had me. I am still not getting the same feels I used to have while writing. This is turning into one boring post I know. Anyway, the travel was all sorts of awesomeness. The journey through the mountains, I’m not going to forget it.
Another year, another injury. Spent at least couple of months on bed, resulting in a much more increased belly size. Moved out of the place I had come as a 6 month old. All the friends and foes were left there. Now here I am at this new place, a corporate slave who leaves home at 10, comes back at 10 (if early). No “mohalla” life that I used to have.
The crux of it all, the passed year, revolves around that someone mentioned above. As we interacted more and more, the fights and arguments grew. I had started to write again. Now if I go back to those posts of the last year, I am astonished that I was the one who wrote them. Such has been the influence. The influence has not been limited to writing only. It has gotten to me as a person. I am no longer the pervert or careless persona I had adopted. I am getting back to what I was. This is all because of the respect I have for that person. I was told I am worth breaking rules for. Let me tell you that you are worth breaching airport security protocols for!
Here’s to much more positivity in this new year. So much more to achieve in life and if we keep thinking about what has happened before, we will never muster enough courage to look forward and put all that behind us. There are cruel realities attached to us but life goes on. It doesn’t stop there. It screams at you to use that cruelty as a motivating factor and show that cruelty that you won’t be taken down that easily. Try to cherish and enjoy each and every moment life has to offer because the day you will be lying on that bed, full of wrinkles and thinking about all the life you had passed, you should keep smiling of all the memories that you have created, rather than regretting for not doing something you had dearly wanted. Smile. It is nature’s bestest gift to you.