Note: IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED DHOOM 3 YET, YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR GIVING YOU SPOILERS. IF YOU STILL WANT TO THROW SOME MONEY, WATCH THE SECOND HALF.
So the most awaited movie of this year was released 10 days ago. Here is my take on it.
Feminine White Legs (Apparently, an Asian Goddess)
(Abhishek) Expressionless Bachchan
Uday Frog Chopra
Before going any further, I’d like to mention that before this, I had the unfortunate luck of watching Krishh 3 in the theater and as this movie was released, I had read a couple of derogatory reviews already. Such a bitch 2013 was and yet on its last night, I went to watch Dhoom 3. I was expecting it to be another unfortunate money grabber like Krishh 3.
The movie begins with a circus master’s child, who has just received $25 being surrounded by four goons on a frozen day in Chicago. Somehow, the child manages to escape while jumping over the goons as they are left wandering what just happened. Spiderman would be so proud of the kid!
Anyways, the child reaches the circus where his father is battling with the bankers to keep his circus running. (Since when did banks lend money for circuses?) Meanwhile, the father fails to impress the bankers with his proclaimed ‘special’ trick, which is nothing but a simple ‘hide under a box and appear from the opposite direction’ (THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE CLIMAX OF THE FILM LIES) and because of the failure, the dad takes his own life. (It actually was one of the great parts of movie since a person who has been selling some massage oil to retired people on National Televison is shown to own “The Great Indian Circus”).
I think it is predictable now. The child grows up to be a handsome, well-built guy who is on a mission to close down the bank by robbing its branches. BOLLYWOOD FOR YOOUUU. Moving on, the guy (Aamir Khan) does rob one of the branches of the bank and rains all the robbed money for poors (SERIOUSLY?! All that hard work to just throw away the money?!) while leaving a messgae in Hindi and a clown mask at the vault and sets off to dodge the US police.
Now here begins the real deal. The thief runs off on a BMW bike and just inside 10 seconds, he has to slide below a truck. He did so, without even getting a single scratch on the bike. I bet even Hollywood can’t think of it. Moving on, the thief hasn’t yet lost the police. A biker police guy chases him and here comes the nostalgic part. He dodges and kicks the police bike exactly as it is in Road Rage. Aahh, that 90’s era of Sega games 😦
Meanwhile, we immediately switch to India where an extra ordinary specie of frog is hanging upside down in middle of a market, surrounded by criminals in formal dress. Exactly. The policeman (frog) is dressed up like a criminal and vice versa. (If you are still planning to go, you should take out your brain and put it aside at this moment). So the frog is about to be shot when his partner, the angry young man’s young (ahem) son who was born short of any expressions, comes to rescue, in a fucking RICKSHAW, and that too by BREAKING A WALL WITH NOT A SINGLE SCRATCH ON RICKSHAW. WHERE DID THEY GET IT FROM?!
What follows will never be understood by a sane person. The ricksha becomes a merry-go-round with a metal post attached to it by God knows how and a contact with it throws the criminals all over the walls. Just as the expressionless ACP is done with the gundays and runs for his life, the ricksha breaks into pieces.
So where were we? Yeah, the expression less as well as the frog alike policemen are in trouble and suddenly, the frog appears on a bike *dhoom machalaayyyy* (by breaking another wall, obviously). I wonder which shitty brand of cement was used in making those walls, btw.
BACK TO CHICAGO!
So the thief is now planning another robbery while the Chicago police, after witnessing those amazing wall breaking stunts have called on those two (Indian) cops to help on with the investigation. Too bad there aren’t any rickshaws in US 😦
So the group is in Chicago and their plan to catch the thief is nothing else but publicly ridicule him for his one time robbery and ask him to rob another time if he has the guts and skills. Indian police for you 🙂
Here’s another surprise! The Circus is set up again and an Indian Goddess is being searched for to be the partner of the performer. Some pretty fair girl, who has a messed up british-indian accent (totally british while speaking english) enters the rehearsals area. She has to impress in a way that eyes can’t be taken off her. It might be easy to guess for you. She choses to strip over a 5 minutes song, only to remain in a bra and mini-mini skirt by the end of it. WHO THE HELL WOULD TAKE EYES OFF HER WITH SUCH PERFORMANCE?!
It is fascinating that the Indian Goddess has exactly nothing Indian about her.
Fast forward mode now.
The thief meets with the police to aid them while putting up new security measures and then suggests that the robbery is gonna happen on April Fools Day while he’ll be performing in his circus that day. The robbery does happen. Money rains again but this time, all the exits are covered.
So, umm, the thief has to run. Out of nowhere, there comes a rope from the building besides the bank, ties itself on another one and there is our bad guy, escaping on his BMW bike by driving it on the ROPE. A big BMW bike easily passes on a rope. Logic stabs itself infinite times here.
If you are able to digest the rope part, hold on, there’s more. So the thief runs, police chases him again, with two more guys on bikes and they somehow square him up at the Michigan Square Bridge. The bridge is then split up to hold him and suddenly, bike throttles, gets up high in the air and in matter of seconds, it is transformed into a FUCKING SPEEDBOAT. Christopher Nolan is reported to have been taken into ER after he was told about this stunt.
The never-ending chase continues, meanwhile. Those Indian policemen have some how found a speedboat themselves as the run before him while the chicago police is left watching like bunnies. After about 3 minutes, they square up the thief again, only for him to drown inside the river and come back flying a couple of seconds later on the patches. (the boat has transformed into bike now)
Still the chase continues and this time, for heaven’s sake, there is a chopper. Police finally manages to get a shot at thief but eventually loses him inside the tunnels. Coward, is he? He robbed you again. Ha!
Well, police reaches the circus as they think the one who advised him is the real thief. Shit gets real, he is about to be arrested but there is not a single hint of him being shot! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?! Police had to leave and then we come to know that there are twin brothers. The other one, who is mentally challenged, had been shot. (There you have your movie ruined. Nope I didn’t. The director himself did it for you.)
INTERMISSION (You can put your mind back in its place and be thankful that it doesn’t remember a single thing of what has been shown in an hour and half)
Enough details for now as the movie has already been spoiled. Post intermission half has some more outrageous things to laugh about. Prominent one of those when the Indian cops are asked to leave the investigation and as they set off to return, it is the frog who inspires his expressionless partner to stay behind and unofficially catch the thief. (You have to give it to Uday Chopra for finally trying hard to act as it is his last film of career). Apart from that, there is the usual brothers’ fight over a girl and a possible fall out in the plan to rob the final branch of the bank…
The movie is about second half only. Amidst all the crappy and illogical sequences, watch this movie to witness the class of Aamir Khan’s acting. We get to witness it just once every year and make sure you grab this opportunity. By the time I left the hall, my tongue had just “wow, wow, wow, wow” on it. The class of acting produced bu Aamir Khan will bowl you over. Gotta salute Aamir Khan because he is the reason why sucha weak script has been pulled off in a manner that is is aceptable.