You pick yourself up one last time with that enlightening support beside you. Despite being thrashed and abandoned, you get up and hold on to that support. Despite your past pulling you back into misery, you grab on to that support. You come out of it. You see the demons being left behind. You arrogantly wave them goodbye because you know it’s all bright ahead of you, and you continue walking. You hold that support tightly, hug it and move along it. You lose it occasionally but you never let go of it. You see your future settled. You reach the halfway mark of your destination. You wait for the support to pull you further. Just as you lift your step, you’re pushed back to where it started from. Misery has its arms wide open to squeeze you in. You make one last ditch effort to repel the force. You’re helped into the misery by the support itself. It has turned into a shadow darker than the demons you left behind. You can’t help but turn towards misery. Smiling and embracing it totally. Misery, let’s get the party started.
Tag Archives: Life
“I would have believed had I possessed such a pretty face and smile”, she said after I had dedicated a short clip to her, telling her how I feel when she smiles while with me.
She doesn’t know how beautiful her smile is. It could be ordinary for her or as she put it, “there’s nothing special about it.” I only wish she’d know how beautiful it is.
You know, the feeling when the very first ray strike your face in the morning, accompanied by a cold breeze and coupled with a melodious chirp, that’s how beautiful it is. Like the full moon shining at its brightest. Like the aroma of fresh coffee beans brewed. As fresh and charming as the first flower of spring. Like the first breeze after rain which brings along with it the rainbow. Your smile is the reason I look forward to live another day.
I’ll finish this off with “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cx girl you’re amazing, just the way you are”
I pray that you always keep smiling ❤
The calamity that was 2013… The resurgence that was 2014… I have always been a firm believer of whatever happens, nature has very strong reasons behind it and it pays you back at a designated time for it. 2015 in almost every other moment, made that belief stronger and stronger.
It began with the resurgent effects of 2014 still in place, but they had been overtaken by a ray of hope and happiness in the form of a person. For me, there was something strange from the moment we started interacting and it got stronger day by day, putting a stamp on it when I was about to fly for Dubai. For all the emotional desires that had been mentioned in many previous posts, they were getting fulfilled. Again, there’s a time for everything.
It was a really happening year. Travels, injuries, personal development, friendships, losses, cruel realisations, reunions, almost everything. I traveled more than I had in the entire 24 years of my life. Dubai at the beginning of the year. Those 3 days were nothing more than exceptional. I discovered what real partying is. Danced my heart/mind/ass/everything out without thinking about anyone’s judgement on my graduation night.
In August, set out on a journey to the north of Pakistan. I wanted to write a travel diary too but this block had me. I am still not getting the same feels I used to have while writing. This is turning into one boring post I know. Anyway, the travel was all sorts of awesomeness. The journey through the mountains, I’m not going to forget it.
Another year, another injury. Spent at least couple of months on bed, resulting in a much more increased belly size. Moved out of the place I had come as a 6 month old. All the friends and foes were left there. Now here I am at this new place, a corporate slave who leaves home at 10, comes back at 10 (if early). No “mohalla” life that I used to have.
The crux of it all, the passed year, revolves around that someone mentioned above. As we interacted more and more, the fights and arguments grew. I had started to write again. Now if I go back to those posts of the last year, I am astonished that I was the one who wrote them. Such has been the influence. The influence has not been limited to writing only. It has gotten to me as a person. I am no longer the pervert or careless persona I had adopted. I am getting back to what I was. This is all because of the respect I have for that person. I was told I am worth breaking rules for. Let me tell you that you are worth breaching airport security protocols for!
Here’s to much more positivity in this new year. So much more to achieve in life and if we keep thinking about what has happened before, we will never muster enough courage to look forward and put all that behind us. There are cruel realities attached to us but life goes on. It doesn’t stop there. It screams at you to use that cruelty as a motivating factor and show that cruelty that you won’t be taken down that easily. Try to cherish and enjoy each and every moment life has to offer because the day you will be lying on that bed, full of wrinkles and thinking about all the life you had passed, you should keep smiling of all the memories that you have created, rather than regretting for not doing something you had dearly wanted. Smile. It is nature’s bestest gift to you.
You know… When you’re just down and out… When you don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone and do whatever the hell you want.. Because you have had enough of people betraying you or using you… There comes a point when you realise what have you become and you feel bad about it but in a moment, you shake it off… You do almost all kinds of immoral things… Defy your conscience… You own them and feel proud of being a rebellion… You just fade away in the darkest of shadows of your soul, never wanting to emerge back from it.
And then out of the blue, there comes this little ray… You try to deflect it away but it somehow refracts inside you… You start to rise up from that shadow… The more you refuse it, the more it grabs you… You fight through it but you have to give up against the hope and charm it brings… You finally rise up again and muster the courage to go back to your original self… The shadow keeps lurking around but you fight it out.. You fight it out with words, with actions, with laughter, with arguments, with little moments of affection, with care, with burying your ego, with things you had never done before, with everything that you can do to keep that shadow as far away as possible…
The ray starts to brighten up as you grow more and more closer to it… You finally know that this was all you wanted, all this time… You draw more and more closer to it… This is one last time you have made an effort… You have spent here all the little that was left in you… You have finally found your shining star…
You begin to settle down with it… You finally have all that you wanted… You are too much into the light that you never consider the darkness increasing behind you… It starts to draw upon you… It was never as bright as you thought it to be… It was always one of those flashlights which created a temporary illusion and you lived in that…
The light starts to fade away gradually… You want to confront the illusion it created but you don’t have the strength… You only curse yourself for falling for the illusion… The shadow starts to grow again… You try to hold on to whatever the little light that is left but the shadow’s attraction is too strong… You have nothing left in yourself now… You wouldn’t be affected by the most powerful of the lasers… You fall into the pit… You fade away.. Again… This time, beyond the darkest of dark… You are tempted to perform the darkest of arts… You do them with a sick laughter… There’s no coming back this time… But the homecoming isn’t as sweet as it was thought to be… You were darkness’ favorite son… And then you chased the light… Now that you have come back to darkness, you find yourself lonely here… Even loneliness is angered at you… The barren thoughts have also rejected you…
“Life is like a perfect piece of cloth. It looks fine when seen from distance. As you focus and look deep into it, you find all those tiny strings which has kept it together and also those little holes between those strings, which demonstrates the little hardships we deal with to keep the life going along.”
I have grown up with friends and cousins who as soon as they reached puberty, had only one aim in life. Talk to girls, 24/7. This though is the story of every single guy unless he is spending his life in Madressah. Coming through that, obviously, I got those germs too but I was never a guy girls would go gaga over. I was a fat nerd who would try to sneak a look at the girl and then fantasize a life with her in the sleepless hours. I grew up through that. While some friends were consistently discussing their “love” life and confiding in me with their relationship secrets, I was still looking for the one and only I’ll have. I didn’t know the art of building conversations or how to kill off someone’s boredom.
I have cousins who’d give me phone numbers of random girls every week to win them over and then ask them for easy loads or other stuff. I have friends who, on my idea, added random girls on Facebook and became bestest of friends with them. I just couldn’t. I sound as the biggest pervert and maila almost every time but when it comes to practically do it, there’s no one more gutless than me.
I was mocked by friends over this. When I had a serious crush on one of the cousins, I made it look too obvious that she grouped up with others and totally played with. Upon realising it, I had only one mission. Fill the phonebook with phone number of girls.
Even though I loathe her but on the other hand, I’m thankful to her too. If that phase hadn’t happened in my life, I’d not have been what I am today. That stint provided with me a girl best friend, who has literally taught me the art of getting around with people. It was her stubbornness which made me do every kind of effort to kill her boredom off.
Since then, I have been on that mission. My chat list now only has one guy, who is no less than a typical girlfriend. Along that, the search for “that one” continued. Crushes happened but they were over within a month. Hell, I have been throned as the life long president of both the friend and brother zone.
Finally, this one person clicked to my heart like none other. For a month or two, I didn’t think I had any chance but there was something which was telling me to be brave enough and go for it. It did. I received a good response. All I had to do was build on it. As I had finally been able to get rid of insomnia, I had barely known her well for couple of days when I lost my sleep over her. It continued. I have been totally genuine with her. I have found the “dream girl” I told all my close friends about. She isn’t perfect, neither am I. I hate her at times but this is it. This is the final chapter. The search finishes here. It’s pretty easy being and pretending what you are not rather than just being yourself. I have done all I could to win her over and still doing it. I guess I have but there’s too long to go now.
I will definitely not be able to do any thing more if this breaks up. I have given it all and been it in with all my heart. Just no more.. No more I’ll be able to feel for someone else. No more I will be able to make an effort for someone. No more I will be able to look up to someone else like this. No more I’ll be able to hold myself together.
“Though she tries but she can’t hide, all her joy wrapped up inside..
She can’t wait to reveal, and tell you how she feels…”
It was ringing in his ears as he tried his best to concentrate on the words coming out of her mouth. May be it was the last time he would hear her voice. The voice which had been his most favourite music ever since he heard her for the first time. The voice he thought would sing him lullabies in his insomniac nights. It was slowly fading away.
She tried to reach him. Tell him how much he means to her, for all he had done for her. She remembered him telling her how much he loved her, only to shrug it off with a laugh. It was like his all other jokes to her, only an assurance that he’ll be there by her side on her worst day. He stepped back, because he knew that even her scent would shatter this rock into gravel millet.
She was shocked but the thought of her journey ahead overcame it within moments. She gave one last confused stare and turned. As she had taken the first step, the cold and and trembling hand got hold of hers. She looked petrified but tried to shrug it off. He held her hand more tightly, looking into her eyes. But she couldn’t. She realised the mistake she had committed but it was too late now. She had her head hanging, somehow trying to make him let her hand loose. He got closer, with tears stocking up. “I can’t”, she mumbled. “Look me in the eye and say it again”, he said in his usual soft tone, the tone which had calmed her in the worst of moments.
She broke down. She had wanted to hug him there for entirety but it was all too late. She shrugged off her hand hardly and ran off. With a trembling voice, he called her, her favorite nickname.. She halted and turned, to look at tears rolling down his cheeks. “I was darkness’ favorite son till you brought the sunshine to my life. As you leave now, I’ll only be stranded, in this sunlight, which will be darker than the darkness itself”, and the rivers were flowing down from both of them. “I love you”, and a stream of tears flowed.
“I love you and I can’t force you to be here with me. Just know that I’ll be here, waiting for you, for a new dawn of my life.” All he had left were infinite tears after it. He couldn’t look at her. She went up to him and wiped off his tears. “Please don’t cry. I’d never want to see those”, but tears stocked up on her again. “May you get someone worthy real soon and may you fall for her more than you ever fell for me”. His hands were soaked up in her tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t have any other choice”, she said while backing off from him.
There was suddenly a smile on his face. He realised he had promised to never make her cry because of him. He could have stayed strong and all the joy she had, it would have never worn off. “I love you and I’ll never fall for anyone else because that would be utterly disrespectful to you. I had sworn upon my life that I’ll never do that to you. Just know that if you ever need me, You’ll find me right here.” A silence but it spoke billions of words in their heads. “Now go before I break down again. I want you to leave me smiling.” Her face in her palms, she turned and ran off. Just as her last bit of vision had gone from his eyes, the heavens started crying with him too…