You were wandering around somewhere in the realms of darkness, pretending to enjoy the fragile cloak of rudeness and profanity and then you see someone on the virtual worlds of internet and immediately something clicks inside you. You knew for a fact that this horizon is 99% fake but that sudden click you had, it brought along a feeling of something genuine. You released that cloak a little to let you know what this light had brought along with it. It brought along with it the positivism that you had always craved for. It brought along with it the sense of genuineness which had no alternative. It felt like you finally had something that you had always wanted. You put down that cloak and pull up yourself, for one final time, for one last effort, to climb out of that deepest pit of self inflicted darkness and to soak that light completely.
You took little steps, keeping yourself under that ray of light as it guided you towards exiting the pit. You forgot about yourself almost totally in the bid to keep that light with you. As you climbed up further, you started getting scared of darkness. You were darkness’ favorite demon and now you shivered at even the thought of it getting dark. You haD little moments where you thought that all that wait was totally worth it. You kept a snap of those moments to cherish later when you have reached your promised land. You got along with those moments, to create more. You evolved yourself in that process. You found hidden things and abilities about you, extracted by that ray as it started getting brighter and brighter. You never felt that much motivated before and you decided to give in all you could. You decided to defy all odds. You created more memories and held on to that light. You decided you will never share it with anyone else. Once you soak it all in, you will keep it hidden from others because it is all yours. You dedicated yourself for it. You got jealous when someone else tried to come near it.
There were patches where clouds came and diminished that ray but you fought those to get that light over you again. Every time you sent away those clouds, your destination became more and more clear. You felt more confident. You started understanding it more. You got yourself used to it. You wandered around at times to take a faster route but you couldn’t. You had to collaborate with the shining star. Then one day when you were down and tired, you didn’t see the clouds coming. You couldn’t determine it’s getting darker. Couple of days later, it rained heavily. That’s when you realised the mistake that you had made. You should have never let the tiredness take you down. It needed an effort much harder than the starting steps to send away the rain and dark clouds. You were fighting on two fronts at that moment. The rain itself and the guilt of letting it rain. You had never deserved that light to guide if it had to rain like this only, when you have come up this far. You pulled yourself up, you got a reminder of all those moments that you had created, of those little memories inside them, you fought for those. You fought those clouds, you let them drain on you because you deserved all that. Once you were drenched, you picked yourself up again. You couldn’t lose it now or you would have fallen right down on your back and would never be able to get up again. You reached out for that shine again. You spoke of what motivated you and still had kept you going. You spoke of your jealousies, your effort, your desires and everything. You spoke of the transition that had happened. You had held it all up and waited for a moment when you reach the top to say it all but it was the time. You told all that had been cooking inside while you were still getting up. You shared your desires of everything you wanted to do when you reached the top. You let it all out and raised your hand, still drenched in the rain, to lift you up and take you out of it…
It wasn’t meant to be then. You still had to crawl your way up. You did. You put in more effort and more care this time. There were still overcast days but you swiped them off. Reaching up there was now your top most priority. All along, you created more memories. You were a part of many more moments than you had before. You caressed them. You wanted them to be repeated. You kept falling for them more and more. Some got stamped on your heart and mind. You continued on your journey and then one fine moment, you get introduced to the more sheer brilliance of what you had been chasing. You felt there was so much more to be discovered yet. You geared up yourself for it too. Your eyes lit up and sensed the edge getting closer and closer.
Suddenly, there comes a lid as you were still under the influence of this new shine. The lid of seriousness and a permanent shadow. You were asked to halt right there. You were asked to watch your movement and not climb any further. You were told there’s nothing there. After all that you had done, it came to this abrupt stop. You were perplexed. You didn’t know how to react. All those moments started to run around in your mind one by one. You tried to hold onto your sanity. You agreed to all that was said to you. Inside you, there was this race between the darkness and the light that still sneaked in. All those demons that you had left behind you, it felt like they were speeding themselves up to drag you down again with you. You thought for a moment to let them take you away but the pull from that shine was still strong enough. You still had some strength left to hold yourself there and reflect on it. You still believed there’s something waiting for you and it will come at its designated time. You are ready to fight through this too. You have a feeling that you will be embraced. There’s only one thing that holds you a little back. When? And will you still have enough strength left to take one final leap and embrace it? You know there will be support but you’re afraid of losing your grip and getting lost in the darkness. You’re afraid of never getting out of the pit… You’re afraid of totally losing this remaining light there is….
“I would have believed had I possessed such a pretty face and smile”, she said after I had dedicated a short clip to her, telling her how I feel when she smiles while with me.
She doesn’t know how beautiful her smile is. It could be ordinary for her or as she put it, “there’s nothing special about it.” I only wish she’d know how beautiful it is.
You know, the feeling when the very first ray strike your face in the morning, accompanied by a cold breeze and coupled with a melodious chirp, that’s how beautiful it is. Like the full moon shining at its brightest. Like the aroma of fresh coffee beans brewed. As fresh and charming as the first flower of spring. Like the first breeze after rain which brings along with it the rainbow. Your smile is the reason I look forward to live another day.
I’ll finish this off with “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cx girl you’re amazing, just the way you are”
I pray that you always keep smiling ❤
The calamity that was 2013… The resurgence that was 2014… I have always been a firm believer of whatever happens, nature has very strong reasons behind it and it pays you back at a designated time for it. 2015 in almost every other moment, made that belief stronger and stronger.
It began with the resurgent effects of 2014 still in place, but they had been overtaken by a ray of hope and happiness in the form of a person. For me, there was something strange from the moment we started interacting and it got stronger day by day, putting a stamp on it when I was about to fly for Dubai. For all the emotional desires that had been mentioned in many previous posts, they were getting fulfilled. Again, there’s a time for everything.
It was a really happening year. Travels, injuries, personal development, friendships, losses, cruel realisations, reunions, almost everything. I traveled more than I had in the entire 24 years of my life. Dubai at the beginning of the year. Those 3 days were nothing more than exceptional. I discovered what real partying is. Danced my heart/mind/ass/everything out without thinking about anyone’s judgement on my graduation night.
In August, set out on a journey to the north of Pakistan. I wanted to write a travel diary too but this block had me. I am still not getting the same feels I used to have while writing. This is turning into one boring post I know. Anyway, the travel was all sorts of awesomeness. The journey through the mountains, I’m not going to forget it.
Another year, another injury. Spent at least couple of months on bed, resulting in a much more increased belly size. Moved out of the place I had come as a 6 month old. All the friends and foes were left there. Now here I am at this new place, a corporate slave who leaves home at 10, comes back at 10 (if early). No “mohalla” life that I used to have.
The crux of it all, the passed year, revolves around that someone mentioned above. As we interacted more and more, the fights and arguments grew. I had started to write again. Now if I go back to those posts of the last year, I am astonished that I was the one who wrote them. Such has been the influence. The influence has not been limited to writing only. It has gotten to me as a person. I am no longer the pervert or careless persona I had adopted. I am getting back to what I was. This is all because of the respect I have for that person. I was told I am worth breaking rules for. Let me tell you that you are worth breaching airport security protocols for!
Here’s to much more positivity in this new year. So much more to achieve in life and if we keep thinking about what has happened before, we will never muster enough courage to look forward and put all that behind us. There are cruel realities attached to us but life goes on. It doesn’t stop there. It screams at you to use that cruelty as a motivating factor and show that cruelty that you won’t be taken down that easily. Try to cherish and enjoy each and every moment life has to offer because the day you will be lying on that bed, full of wrinkles and thinking about all the life you had passed, you should keep smiling of all the memories that you have created, rather than regretting for not doing something you had dearly wanted. Smile. It is nature’s bestest gift to you.
You know… When you’re just down and out… When you don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone and do whatever the hell you want.. Because you have had enough of people betraying you or using you… There comes a point when you realise what have you become and you feel bad about it but in a moment, you shake it off… You do almost all kinds of immoral things… Defy your conscience… You own them and feel proud of being a rebellion… You just fade away in the darkest of shadows of your soul, never wanting to emerge back from it.
And then out of the blue, there comes this little ray… You try to deflect it away but it somehow refracts inside you… You start to rise up from that shadow… The more you refuse it, the more it grabs you… You fight through it but you have to give up against the hope and charm it brings… You finally rise up again and muster the courage to go back to your original self… The shadow keeps lurking around but you fight it out.. You fight it out with words, with actions, with laughter, with arguments, with little moments of affection, with care, with burying your ego, with things you had never done before, with everything that you can do to keep that shadow as far away as possible…
The ray starts to brighten up as you grow more and more closer to it… You finally know that this was all you wanted, all this time… You draw more and more closer to it… This is one last time you have made an effort… You have spent here all the little that was left in you… You have finally found your shining star…
You begin to settle down with it… You finally have all that you wanted… You are too much into the light that you never consider the darkness increasing behind you… It starts to draw upon you… It was never as bright as you thought it to be… It was always one of those flashlights which created a temporary illusion and you lived in that…
The light starts to fade away gradually… You want to confront the illusion it created but you don’t have the strength… You only curse yourself for falling for the illusion… The shadow starts to grow again… You try to hold on to whatever the little light that is left but the shadow’s attraction is too strong… You have nothing left in yourself now… You wouldn’t be affected by the most powerful of the lasers… You fall into the pit… You fade away.. Again… This time, beyond the darkest of dark… You are tempted to perform the darkest of arts… You do them with a sick laughter… There’s no coming back this time… But the homecoming isn’t as sweet as it was thought to be… You were darkness’ favorite son… And then you chased the light… Now that you have come back to darkness, you find yourself lonely here… Even loneliness is angered at you… The barren thoughts have also rejected you…