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Doom and gloom

There comes a time in life where you start to question every moment of your life. Is there a purpose for everything that’s happening. If there is, why aren’t you satisfied with it? If there isn’t, what is the point of life any more. All the materialistic things are there. Money, people, work, all is there. But where is the satisfaction from it all. Is it linked to something else? Is it linked to more money? Is it linked to more work so you are kept busy with no room for these thoughts? Is it linked to more social attachment? Guess there’s more to ponder in search of finding the answer.

It looks all gloomy right now. All the efforts that you’re putting in, are they even worth it? You get up everyday, mustering up enough courage to face the day, but at the end of it, it’s the same old thing. All you did was distract yourself all day with things that spark a little bit of happiness and keep you away. But the moment you lie down, there’s no more distractions. How long can you ignore it for? You can’t not attend to the bomb that had been ticking all day. It is about to blow, so you’ve got to prepare yourself for the aftermath.

The general notion in this society/culture is that emotional and physical companionship can turn the fortunes around. Do you really think that while you’re such a mess, you will completely turn it over rather than emitting the mess to another person? Every other person is battling his/her own battles and negativity tends to spread faster than anything else. It needs moment after moment for the recovery to stay on its path but it needs just one bad moment to slide it all downhill. You fall back and try to get up again. But till when? There will come a point when you will get tired of falling and give it up entirely.

All along that, you had a support. Someone who just kept you going. Someone who just held you and walked along. You had bumpy rides along the way but you held on to the support, because going along with it for the rest of your life was the only thing that kept you going. Then, the support decides to withdraw itself. You can’t help but feel that you’re responsible to push the support away too. You couldn’t keep one thing that was supposed to guide you through. Now you gotta stay here, as long as you’re breathing, keeping the disguise of work intact, to pass through the day, and then succumbing to the countless thoughts your mind decide to push forward. Telling you to take some actions out of desperation, with no respect shown to morality. You make one last ditch effort to hold on and to keep the promises you made but deep down, it’s slowly slipping away and you can’t do anything about it. In all the doom and gloom around, you’re just fading.

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Posted by on June 7, 2019 in Random

 

A tale of love: Part 2

The first part is here.

Drenched, in the sorrows of his love and the sky, he walked into the dark. The whole scene played in his mind and with every passing step, a stream of tears rolled down and it felt heavier than the rain…

Two years later, on a perfect spring morning, along with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, he was dug in his laptop, trying to fathom the words. An email pops up and he is taken aback for a while. Life seems to have completed a full circle at that moment. He was due to go where he vowed to never go again, although he had his first breath taken there.

He wanted to not take back any of what was he had left behind. He had evolved into a completely different person and that’s what compelled him to go again. He left all traces of his older being and set to drive. His mind told him to consider it again. His heart signaled something unusual was about to happen but he rejected all that, as the rejection had became his mantra of life.

A playlist later, he was standing at the point where he decided to never come back. The life’s full circle had already filled a quadrant. He still moved, ignoring all the signs. He roamed around his house and the streets near it, warmly collecting the memories again, with the exception of one notable individual. He reached where he was supposed to be. The coffee shop he had seen grow up with him. The similar aroma and the memories nearly filled up the second quadrant when he was brought back to his senses by a shock, as his eyes fixated on the counter. The horror of that evening two years ago came running back and he stood there petrified. Before an eye contact could be made, he was smart enough to sneak out and let his mind run wild with all the permutations.

The face that he had vowed to never see, was there, staring right into him. In his mind, he had never thought he would see that face again. His heart pumped hard, as if to tell him all along that it sensed it 3 hours ago but you never listened. The meeting was equally important for him too. He went to the market nearby and brought himself a little disguise.

He came back and sat down, right opposite to the counter. As much as he tried to look away, his eyes seemed to have found a north pole and stuck at the counter. He felt himself getting attracted to the counter and the next moment he realised, he was walking up to it. He reached there and without a second thought, ordered a Mocha. As soon as the first words came out of his mouth, a shock went through the counter person and she reacted as if she had seen a ghost. They were stuck in that moment for five seconds before he nodded and brought the counter girl to her senses. When asked about his name, he ignored it and moved on.

The meeting started but to no avail, as far as he was concerned. All he did was to keep staring at the counter and his brain ran a movie made over the 20 years, with every significant part highlighted and replayed. He sat there watching it inside his mind and got up as soon as the meeting was over. He sat back in his car. He was about to drive again to where he came from, instead he was moving towards a hotel.

The night was spent rolling all over the bed as his mind decided to play a repeat telecast. He could hardly sleep. He never wanted to go back to the coffee shop but he found himself woken up with anxiety running all over him and forcing him to dress up. He did. Like he had always done. And the disguise was put on again. 10 minutes later, he found himself inside the coffee shop again.

Just as the last day, he found himself sat right opposite to the counter and his eyes fixated on the order taking screen. The eyes hoped for the arrival of the girl behind it yesterday. Tall, tanned, shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes and that little dimple as she greeted a customer with her smile. Couple of hours passed and she was nowhere to be found. His mind started to influence him. He was told that it was just the nostalgia yesterday and it is not possible. It took couple of more hours to convince him. He finally stood up, to move back to where he came from, when he heard that familiar voice from his back. The voice that had rung in his ears for 22 years. The voice that was his most favourite music. He turned immediately and found the same figure standing in his face. She smiled at him and excused herself. She pretended to be fresh and smiling but clearly she wasn’t. Her hair weren’t tidy as they were a  day ago. Her dress was rushed and the sleep was evident from her bloodshot eyes. He saw her take her position behind the counter and deal with the customers just like a day before. Her presence at the counter had suddenly changed the whole environment of the cafe and everyone seemed to chit chat a bit more and seemed more active.

With his eyes still on her, he moved again to counter and ordered another Mocha. He tried to dodge again as he was asked to tell his name. “Jib, I know it’s you.” He felt like a high voltage shock ran through his body and he’d fall down any moment. He just looked at her again and moved to a side with disbelief in his eyes. He picked up his coffee with trembling hands and left the coffee shop. He sat in his car and wept uncontrollably till he had nearly passed out. He leaned his seat back and slept while his coffee rested on the dashboard.

He wakes up with the sound of thunder and rain splashing his windscreen. He jerked his head and prepared to drive through the storm. He tried all he can but the car won’t start. He stepped out in the storm and tried to sneak into the coffee shop. It was closed. He now had nowhere to go, till the storm gets over. The voice rings in his ears again and an umbrella covers him. He feels his arm grabbed and pulled. He starts walking without looking on the side, his mind still in shock.

After a brief walk, they stop outside a cottage. Even though he had known every corner of this city, but this was unfamiliar to him. Surrounded by woods, small houses built on a little distance to each other. Each one of them told a different story. The one in front of him, reflected the image he had seen for the last two days. Haphazard, messed up, yet it looked beautiful and even with a raring storm outside, it provided him a sense of calmness. The door creaks open and they walk in.

An old bed, with its joints about to fall off, lied there in a corner. He sat down and explored the place. Clumsy, yet it gave him a sense of calmness. He was again brought back from his thoughts and steam was blowing in his face. His mind started racing once again as the scent of the coffee expanded in his senses and a feeling o of familiarity took over. He took a sip and it brought back all the memories that have been locked in a corner of his mind. The familiar aroma, giggles, running around and dodging, deep conversations, they all flashed back between his eyes as he feels the hand on his shoulder. He comes back to reality and tries to speak, but everything right now is still overwhelming. “The last time you were this lost, it was when I told you that you cook horribly, and the face you had soon after, it still makes me laugh”, the voice ran in his ears and he let out a smile. He turns towards her, his eyes still shooting a million questions, but the sight of the smile that he had adored all his life, took them away. In a breaking and low pitched voice, a few words finally left his mouth. “When did you come back?”

“I came back here just after six months. You know how happy I was. To have finally found something that felt like I have a purpose in life now. To know you have something to look forward to for the rest of your lives. To create memories with every passing day till you take your last breath. Someone like me, who had always been a pessimist, found a purpose to feel happy and look to the future. It all came crashing down as soon as the hangover was gone.” “Love is such a pain, though sweet. It’s from the heart afterall.” He chipped in and continued to look at her. “I tried to give it my all but something just kept missing. He could never understand me, like you did. You could even tell from my hairstyle on a particular day how I was feeling. You knew what I wanted to eat and when. You knew which song will cheer me up. You knew when I wanted to be left alone but still kept checking on me. It annoyed the hell out of me but then I realised that those checks kept me sane. He did all that initially. He thought he had done enough when I said Yes to him. It was all gone when I went away.” “It was all gone when I went away”, he added with an emphasis.

She was found awestruck for a moment as she recollected his words and it all came crashing down to her. She remembered how she met his friend when he was on his trip and immediately started asking about him. She would inquire about his likes and dislikes, if he has someone in his life, and wishing if he noticed her more. Then he suddenly started doing everything she liked. He read her favourite books. He agreed with her opinions on social matters. He did grand gestures, just like her fantasies. All she thought was that this guy was sent to her from the heaven. Now it dawned upon her who it actually was, disguised by that man. She tried to speak again but she could only cry at the realisation.

“As fragile as water bubbles, I find sorrows vibrant. Victims of birth and death, from the deepest core of heart”, he murmured. He wiped off her tears and set her hair. “So why did you not try to contact me when you came back?”

“When I came back, I went straight to your house. Like my life, I found it empty. I tried asking around but I remembered, the only friend you had was me. For weeks, I kept visiting at our place, at the sunset, hoping that you will come out of nowhere, with a box of my favourite donuts in hand. The hopes remained and I kept remembering you. I was just alive under this blue sky, clinging on to hopes of seeing you one day. Memories, that made my heart sunk whenever I remembered them, and the sadness turned into non-stop tears. I wished I had told you to remain there. Every sorrow that came my way, you were there to swat it away like you always did. I kept punishing myself for losing you. But I knew, you will come back one day. Something told me I will find you one day.”

She moves and crouches herself in between his legs while holding his hands. Tears kept rolling down from her eyes. It looked like the all the rain outside has simmered into her eyes and kept flowing. “You know me. You understand me. My world only exists in your shadow of love. I find myself sinking in your spell. My heart will become steady, if you’re with me. Every sorrow will go away, if you’re with me.”

He found himself sitting there like a statue while he heard consistent sobbing. He stood up, while holding her by shoulders. He wiped off all her tears. He held up her chin and looked deep into her eyes. He leaned into her ear and whispered, “See, I’ve always been taller than you.” Her red, sobbing eyes immediately glowed up and she smiled. He held her cheeks and said, “I can spend my lifetime by just looking at this smile, because it will always keep me freshened up. It is magic. I love you.” He leaned in closer with his eyes closed and touched her lips. Few seconds later, he was holding her tightly while they kissed continuously. He paused for a moment. The life had just come back full circle. This time for good. He grabbed her and fell back on the bed. A loud thunder erupted, as if to approve what had just happened. They went on to celebrate their love as the skies celebrated with them.

 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2019 in Random

 

Dark oblivion

Ah, darkness. You think you have absorbed it. You think, while it does live inside you, it has been put on hibernation for life because you have a lifeline with you. You joke about it. You show it that you don’t care anymore and it doesn’t effect you anymore. You don’t care about what it did to you. You don’t care about the scars it left you with. You don’t care about the flashbacks it still sends you. You don’t care about the thoughts it wrapped around you once. You don’t care about the violence it incited in you. You don’t care about the loneliness it made you feel.

You have left it all behind because you have this lifeline and a bright shining light with you, holding you tight, taking care of you. It was just another chapter of your life that you have read, that you have scribbled every word of on your heart, that you have burnt and smoked the ash of. You move on clinging to the light. You still have the nightmares but that light has not left you. It shrugs off those nightmares and you are moving along nicely. You have your moments when you see your future with the light. A bright future ahead. A future full of promises and their fulfillment. A future free of hurdles. A future that you start to believe in. A future which will forcefully wake the darkness up and show the brightness that you have in your life, to kill the darkness that troubled you for all this time and get rid of it for good.

But after all, it is darkness. You think you have conquered it. It is waiting for you silently. It is creeping up on you and you never realise it. It is taking over you with those nightmares but you’re too cocky to ignore its advances. The future has you too blinded with brightness that you stop thinking what is happening inside you. You think you have put it into hibernation but it’s waiting there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It’s smoldering there inside, silently rising up the the smoke to warn you but you’re having none of it. The light has neutralised the smoke.

You are getting back to being normal. You are feeling. You are caring. You stopped letting the evil take over you and your thoughts. You are making efforts to get the light attached to you till your last breath. The light has taught you to feel normal again. To feel vulnerable at times too. You fear loss again. You start to care of your life again. You are happy. You are smiling. The joy keeps increasing by every passing hour. You are satisfied. You are content with how you are going.

BAM! Here’s the moment, the tragedy, the shock, the bang which has woken up the darkness. You still try to hold back. The light is still shining as bright as ever. You’re desperately clinging on to it but the darkness has woken up. The pandiculation is suggesting that it’s coming for you but you don’t care. After all, you have conquered it. It’s just one of those nightmares again. You’ll fight it. In essence, it’s all the silence that had been building up. The silence is the scream you denied to hear. It is the instrument waiting for your composition. It is the words waiting for you to sing them. Urging you to talk to it. It is the emotion, begging you to feel it. And when you don’t, it creeps up. Just like silence does when left unnoticed for a while. The effects are there but you are too dumb to understand. That light again there. Keeping you with it and still denouncing the darkness.

It’s time to make a move and guess who makes it. Yeah, the creep. That nightmare again. The flashbacks again. The past again. All going on while the tragedy is there. It has crept up above your head. It’s getting darker but you are still clinging on to the light. For how long? Will the light tolerate it after all the hard work it has done to bring you back, only for it to be taken over again? A part of you wants to embrace the darkness and never return from it ever again. A part of you wants to make one more effort to push harder and hang on to the light. It’s a tug of war with no response from the light yet. The light has had enough of you too. It has done all it could and yet here you are, falling back into the darkness. How much more will it do? The shadows start to appear. The darkness is slowly eclipsing the light and here you are, waiting to be pulled back by the light or taken into the deepest pit of the darkness. During all this, the voice inside you says:

“Let me be. It’s enough that I’m alive.”

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2018 in Random

 

A kid I love

A kid lives inside her mature self. The kid who would gloat at the first gush of Petrichor. The kid who will jump and sing and dance in the rain. The kid who will get scared of cats and small animals. The kid who’d scream her lungs out of excitement as the water touches her on the shore. The kid who is afraid of tiniest of things. The kid who lives her life like she wants to, despite the situations not favouring her at times. The kid you’d want to pull cheeks off because she’s just too cute at times. The kid whose smile is the most shining. The smile that would make you forget everything else and just admire it. The kid who is loved and adored. The kid who will never share what is hers with anyone else. The kid who wants to live the life to fullest. The kid who is the shyest. The kid who is pure. I fell in love with the kid. The adult fell in love with me.

The circumstances and responsibilities put that kid into hibernation. The clouds of hardship surrounded and followed her. She would wake up as it rained or a joyous event happened but it was short lived. I have got to know her from her adult state to the kid that is resting inside her. I have witnessed both of them and I bow down to her for her awesomeness.

You can never bet against her resiliance. She stays true to her name. Greatness personified. The adult version is compact. She has wits that will leave you spellbound. Her sense of humour will make you appreciate how cool she is. All this while fulfilling her responsibilities amd taking care of herself and her family.

I feel so lucky to know both the kid and the adult, deep down. She can be a badass and a soft, emotional, little fearful kid. She is pure and her love is pure. I love her more than anyone elss and I can proudly state that she is all mine.

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2018 in Random

 

Misery, let’s party

You pick yourself up one last time with that enlightening support beside you. Despite being thrashed and abandoned, you get up and hold on to that support. Despite your past pulling you back into misery, you grab on to that support. You come out of it. You see the demons being left behind. You arrogantly wave them goodbye because you know it’s all bright ahead of you, and you continue walking. You hold that support tightly, hug it and move along it. You lose it occasionally but you never let go of it. You see your future settled. You reach the halfway mark of your destination. You wait for the support to pull you further. Just as you lift your step, you’re pushed back to where it started from. Misery has its arms wide open to squeeze you in. You make one last ditch effort to repel the force. You’re helped into the misery by the support itself. It has turned into a shadow darker than the demons you left behind. You can’t help but turn towards misery. Smiling and embracing it totally. Misery, let’s get the party started.

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2017 in Random

 

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Right from the moment she was born, she was a special girl. She was named after the title of one of the most strongest and intelligent women to ever live on this planet. It literally translates to being “Great”. Indeed she was and is great. Nature chose it specifically for her. The name was then accompanied by another great name. The one of the leader of women in paradise. Safe to say, she was God’s chosen one.

When He chooses, He tests the chosen one as well. More than He does any one else. She had it going tough as she gained her senses. She stayed put. She had her support besides her all the time. The greatest gift from Him. Her mother. Despite everything around her, she moved on. The characteristics provided to her by those names she possessed, they polished day by day. She grew up fighting all those demons around her, on her own. They got worse year by year. She kept fighting them. She kept emerging victorious.

Then came a time when she got tired of it all. She didn’t have much left in her to fight. She was taken down. Demons all over her. Even her support system did not work. All that work of demons for these 26 years had finally taken her down. She resisted but she lacked courage this time.

This is her biggest and possibly the final test. As much as I know her, she will fight this too. She will beat this. She will put this one behind and this time, for good. She will leave no paths open to let those demons enter her life again. One last fight. One last effort. She will rise. The warrior in her will rise. With more intensity than ever before. Everything will be banished now. She is rising and the days for these demons are numbered. After all, she is the chosen one and demons can never take over them.

 
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Posted by on August 3, 2016 in Random

 

Of moments, memories and….. seriousness

You were wandering around somewhere in the realms of darkness, pretending to enjoy the fragile cloak of rudeness and profanity and then you see someone on the virtual worlds of internet and immediately something clicks inside you. You knew for a fact that this horizon is 99% fake but that sudden click you had, it brought along a feeling of something genuine. You released that cloak a little to let you know what this light had brought along with it. It brought along with it the positivism that you had always craved for. It brought along with it the sense of genuineness which had no alternative. It felt like you finally had something that you had always wanted. You put down that cloak and pull up yourself, for one final time, for one last effort, to climb out of that deepest pit of self inflicted darkness and to soak that light completely.

You took little steps, keeping yourself under that ray of light as it guided you towards exiting the pit. You forgot about yourself almost totally in the bid to keep that light with you. As you climbed up further, you started getting scared of darkness. You were darkness’ favorite demon and now you shivered at even the thought of it getting dark. You haD little moments where you thought that all that wait was totally worth it. You kept a snap of those moments to cherish later when you have reached your promised land. You got along with those moments, to create more. You evolved yourself in that process. You found hidden things and abilities about you, extracted by that ray as it started getting brighter and brighter. You never felt that much motivated before and you decided to give in all you could. You decided to defy all odds. You created more memories and held on to that light. You decided you will never share it with anyone else. Once you soak it all in, you will keep it hidden from others because it is all yours. You dedicated yourself for it. You got jealous when someone else tried to come near it.

There were patches where clouds came and diminished that ray but you fought those to get that light over you again. Every time you sent away those clouds, your destination became more and more clear. You felt more confident. You started understanding it more. You got yourself used to it. You wandered around at times to take a faster route but you couldn’t. You had to collaborate with the shining star. Then one day when you were down and tired, you didn’t see the clouds coming. You couldn’t determine it’s getting darker. Couple of days later, it rained heavily. That’s when you realised the mistake that you had made. You should have never let the tiredness take you down. It needed an effort much harder than the starting steps to send away the rain and dark clouds. You were fighting on two fronts at that moment. The rain itself and the guilt of letting it rain. You had never deserved that light to guide if it had to rain like this only, when you have come up this far. You pulled yourself up, you got a reminder of all those moments that you had created, of those little memories inside them, you fought for those. You fought those clouds, you let them drain on you because you deserved all that. Once you were drenched, you picked yourself up again. You couldn’t lose it now or you would have fallen right down on your back and would never be able to get up again. You reached out for that shine again. You spoke of what motivated you and still had kept you going. You spoke of your jealousies, your effort, your desires and everything. You spoke of the transition that had happened. You had held it all up and waited for a moment when you reach the top to say it all but it was the time. You told all that had been cooking inside while you were still getting up. You shared your desires of everything you wanted to do when you reached the top. You let it all out and raised your hand, still drenched in the rain, to lift you up and take you out of it…

It wasn’t meant to be then. You still had to crawl your way up. You did. You put in more effort and more care this time. There were still overcast days but you swiped them off. Reaching up there was now your top most priority. All along, you created more memories. You were a part of many more moments than you had before. You caressed them. You wanted them to be repeated. You kept falling for them more and more. Some got stamped on your heart and mind. You continued on your journey and then one fine moment, you get introduced to the more sheer brilliance of what you had been chasing. You felt there was so much more to be discovered yet. You geared up yourself for it too. Your eyes lit up and sensed the edge getting closer and closer.

Suddenly, there comes a lid as you were still under the influence of this new shine. The lid of seriousness and a permanent shadow. You were asked to halt right there. You were asked to watch your movement and not climb any further. You were told there’s nothing there. After all that you had done, it came to this abrupt stop. You were perplexed. You didn’t know how to react. All those moments started to run around in your mind one by one. You tried to hold onto your sanity. You agreed to all that was said to you. Inside you, there was this race between the darkness and the light that still sneaked in. All those demons that you had left behind you, it felt like they were speeding themselves up to drag you down again with you. You thought for a moment to let them take you away but the pull from that shine was still strong enough. You still had some strength left to hold yourself there and reflect on it. You still believed there’s something waiting for you and it will come at its designated time. You are ready to fight through this too. You have a feeling that you will be embraced. There’s only one thing that holds you a little back. When? And will you still have enough strength left to take one final leap and embrace it? You know there will be support but you’re afraid of losing your grip and getting lost in the darkness. You’re afraid of never getting out of the pit… You’re afraid of totally losing this remaining light there is….

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2016 in Random