RSS

Dark oblivion

Ah, darkness. You think you have absorbed it. You think, while it does live inside you, it has been put on hibernation for life because you have a lifeline with you. You joke about it. You show it that you don’t care anymore and it doesn’t effect you anymore. You don’t care about what it did to you. You don’t care about the scars it left you with. You don’t care about the flashbacks it still sends you. You don’t care about the thoughts it wrapped around you once. You don’t care about the violence it incited in you. You don’t care about the loneliness it made you feel.

You have left it all behind because you have this lifeline and a bright shining light with you, holding you tight, taking care of you. It was just another chapter of your life that you have read, that you have scribbled every word of on your heart, that you have burnt and smoked the ash of. You move on clinging to the light. You still have the nightmares but that light has not left you. It shrugs off those nightmares and you are moving along nicely. You have your moments when you see your future with the light. A bright future ahead. A future full of promises and their fulfillment. A future free of hurdles. A future that you start to believe in. A future which will forcefully wake the darkness up and show the brightness that you have in your life, to kill the darkness that troubled you for all this time and get rid of it for good.

But after all, it is darkness. You think you have conquered it. It is waiting for you silently. It is creeping up on you and you never realise it. It is taking over you with those nightmares but you’re too cocky to ignore its advances. The future has you too blinded with brightness that you stop thinking what is happening inside you. You think you have put it into hibernation but it’s waiting there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It’s smoldering there inside, silently rising up the the smoke to warn you but you’re having none of it. The light has neutralised the smoke.

You are getting back to being normal. You are feeling. You are caring. You stopped letting the evil take over you and your thoughts. You are making efforts to get the light attached to you till your last breath. The light has taught you to feel normal again. To feel vulnerable at times too. You fear loss again. You start to care of your life again. You are happy. You are smiling. The joy keeps increasing by every passing hour. You are satisfied. You are content with how you are going.

BAM! Here’s the moment, the tragedy, the shock, the bang which has woken up the darkness. You still try to hold back. The light is still shining as bright as ever. You’re desperately clinging on to it but the darkness has woken up. The pandiculation is suggesting that it’s coming for you but you don’t care. After all, you have conquered it. It’s just one of those nightmares again. You’ll fight it. In essence, it’s all the silence that had been building up. The silence is the scream you denied to hear. It is the instrument waiting for your composition. It is the words waiting for you to sing them. Urging you to talk to it. It is the emotion, begging you to feel it. And when you don’t, it creeps up. Just like silence does when left unnoticed for a while. The effects are there but you are too dumb to understand. That light again there. Keeping you with it and still denouncing the darkness.

It’s time to make a move and guess who makes it. Yeah, the creep. That nightmare again. The flashbacks again. The past again. All going on while the tragedy is there. It has crept up above your head. It’s getting darker but you are still clinging on to the light. For how long? Will the light tolerate it after all the hard work it has done to bring you back, only for it to be taken over again? A part of you wants to embrace the darkness and never return from it ever again. A part of you wants to make one more effort to push harder and hang on to the light. It’s a tug of war with no response from the light yet. The light has had enough of you too. It has done all it could and yet here you are, falling back into the darkness. How much more will it do? The shadows start to appear. The darkness is slowly eclipsing the light and here you are, waiting to be pulled back by the light or taken into the deepest pit of the darkness. During all this, the voice inside you says:

“Let me be. It’s enough that I’m alive.”

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 15, 2018 in Random

 

A kid I love

A kid lives inside her mature self. The kid who would gloat at the first gush of Petrichor. The kid who will jump and sing and dance in the rain. The kid who will get scared of cats and small animals. The kid who’d scream her lungs out of excitement as the water touches her on the shore. The kid who is afraid of tiniest of things. The kid who lives her life like she wants to, despite the situations not favouring her at times. The kid you’d want to pull cheeks off because she’s just too cute at times. The kid whose smile is the most shining. The smile that would make you forget everything else and just admire it. The kid who is loved and adored. The kid who will never share what is hers with anyone else. The kid who wants to live the life to fullest. The kid who is the shyest. The kid who is pure. I fell in love with the kid. The adult fell in love with me.

The circumstances and responsibilities put that kid into hibernation. The clouds of hardship surrounded and followed her. She would wake up as it rained or a joyous event happened but it was short lived. I have got to know her from her adult state to the kid that is resting inside her. I have witnessed both of them and I bow down to her for her awesomeness.

You can never bet against her resiliance. She stays true to her name. Greatness personified. The adult version is compact. She has wits that will leave you spellbound. Her sense of humour will make you appreciate how cool she is. All this while fulfilling her responsibilities amd taking care of herself and her family.

I feel so lucky to know both the kid and the adult, deep down. She can be a badass and a soft, emotional, little fearful kid. She is pure and her love is pure. I love her more than anyone elss and I can proudly state that she is all mine.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 6, 2018 in Random

 

Protected: An open letter to my love

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 
Enter your password to view comments.

Posted by on June 3, 2018 in Random

 

Misery, let’s party

You pick yourself up one last time with that enlightening support beside you. Despite being thrashed and abandoned, you get up and hold on to that support. Despite your past pulling you back into misery, you grab on to that support. You come out of it. You see the demons being left behind. You arrogantly wave them goodbye because you know it’s all bright ahead of you, and you continue walking. You hold that support tightly, hug it and move along it. You lose it occasionally but you never let go of it. You see your future settled. You reach the halfway mark of your destination. You wait for the support to pull you further. Just as you lift your step, you’re pushed back to where it started from. Misery has its arms wide open to squeeze you in. You make one last ditch effort to repel the force. You’re helped into the misery by the support itself. It has turned into a shadow darker than the demons you left behind. You can’t help but turn towards misery. Smiling and embracing it totally. Misery, let’s get the party started.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 31, 2017 in Random

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Right from the moment she was born, she was a special girl. She was named after the title of one of the most strongest and intelligent women to ever live on this planet. It literally translates to being “Great”. Indeed she was and is great. Nature chose it specifically for her. The name was then accompanied by another great name. The one of the leader of women in paradise. Safe to say, she was God’s chosen one.

When He chooses, He tests the chosen one as well. More than He does any one else. She had it going tough as she gained her senses. She stayed put. She had her support besides her all the time. The greatest gift from Him. Her mother. Despite everything around her, she moved on. The characteristics provided to her by those names she possessed, they polished day by day. She grew up fighting all those demons around her, on her own. They got worse year by year. She kept fighting them. She kept emerging victorious.

Then came a time when she got tired of it all. She didn’t have much left in her to fight. She was taken down. Demons all over her. Even her support system did not work. All that work of demons for these 26 years had finally taken her down. She resisted but she lacked courage this time.

This is her biggest and possibly the final test. As much as I know her, she will fight this too. She will beat this. She will put this one behind and this time, for good. She will leave no paths open to let those demons enter her life again. One last fight. One last effort. She will rise. The warrior in her will rise. With more intensity than ever before. Everything will be banished now. She is rising and the days for these demons are numbered. After all, she is the chosen one and demons can never take over them.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 3, 2016 in Random

 

Of moments, memories and….. seriousness

You were wandering around somewhere in the realms of darkness, pretending to enjoy the fragile cloak of rudeness and profanity and then you see someone on the virtual worlds of internet and immediately something clicks inside you. You knew for a fact that this horizon is 99% fake but that sudden click you had, it brought along a feeling of something genuine. You released that cloak a little to let you know what this light had brought along with it. It brought along with it the positivism that you had always craved for. It brought along with it the sense of genuineness which had no alternative. It felt like you finally had something that you had always wanted. You put down that cloak and pull up yourself, for one final time, for one last effort, to climb out of that deepest pit of self inflicted darkness and to soak that light completely.

You took little steps, keeping yourself under that ray of light as it guided you towards exiting the pit. You forgot about yourself almost totally in the bid to keep that light with you. As you climbed up further, you started getting scared of darkness. You were darkness’ favorite demon and now you shivered at even the thought of it getting dark. You haD little moments where you thought that all that wait was totally worth it. You kept a snap of those moments to cherish later when you have reached your promised land. You got along with those moments, to create more. You evolved yourself in that process. You found hidden things and abilities about you, extracted by that ray as it started getting brighter and brighter. You never felt that much motivated before and you decided to give in all you could. You decided to defy all odds. You created more memories and held on to that light. You decided you will never share it with anyone else. Once you soak it all in, you will keep it hidden from others because it is all yours. You dedicated yourself for it. You got jealous when someone else tried to come near it.

There were patches where clouds came and diminished that ray but you fought those to get that light over you again. Every time you sent away those clouds, your destination became more and more clear. You felt more confident. You started understanding it more. You got yourself used to it. You wandered around at times to take a faster route but you couldn’t. You had to collaborate with the shining star. Then one day when you were down and tired, you didn’t see the clouds coming. You couldn’t determine it’s getting darker. Couple of days later, it rained heavily. That’s when you realised the mistake that you had made. You should have never let the tiredness take you down. It needed an effort much harder than the starting steps to send away the rain and dark clouds. You were fighting on two fronts at that moment. The rain itself and the guilt of letting it rain. You had never deserved that light to guide if it had to rain like this only, when you have come up this far. You pulled yourself up, you got a reminder of all those moments that you had created, of those little memories inside them, you fought for those. You fought those clouds, you let them drain on you because you deserved all that. Once you were drenched, you picked yourself up again. You couldn’t lose it now or you would have fallen right down on your back and would never be able to get up again. You reached out for that shine again. You spoke of what motivated you and still had kept you going. You spoke of your jealousies, your effort, your desires and everything. You spoke of the transition that had happened. You had held it all up and waited for a moment when you reach the top to say it all but it was the time. You told all that had been cooking inside while you were still getting up. You shared your desires of everything you wanted to do when you reached the top. You let it all out and raised your hand, still drenched in the rain, to lift you up and take you out of it…

It wasn’t meant to be then. You still had to crawl your way up. You did. You put in more effort and more care this time. There were still overcast days but you swiped them off. Reaching up there was now your top most priority. All along, you created more memories. You were a part of many more moments than you had before. You caressed them. You wanted them to be repeated. You kept falling for them more and more. Some got stamped on your heart and mind. You continued on your journey and then one fine moment, you get introduced to the more sheer brilliance of what you had been chasing. You felt there was so much more to be discovered yet. You geared up yourself for it too. Your eyes lit up and sensed the edge getting closer and closer.

Suddenly, there comes a lid as you were still under the influence of this new shine. The lid of seriousness and a permanent shadow. You were asked to halt right there. You were asked to watch your movement and not climb any further. You were told there’s nothing there. After all that you had done, it came to this abrupt stop. You were perplexed. You didn’t know how to react. All those moments started to run around in your mind one by one. You tried to hold onto your sanity. You agreed to all that was said to you. Inside you, there was this race between the darkness and the light that still sneaked in. All those demons that you had left behind you, it felt like they were speeding themselves up to drag you down again with you. You thought for a moment to let them take you away but the pull from that shine was still strong enough. You still had some strength left to hold yourself there and reflect on it. You still believed there’s something waiting for you and it will come at its designated time. You are ready to fight through this too. You have a feeling that you will be embraced. There’s only one thing that holds you a little back. When? And will you still have enough strength left to take one final leap and embrace it? You know there will be support but you’re afraid of losing your grip and getting lost in the darkness. You’re afraid of never getting out of the pit… You’re afraid of totally losing this remaining light there is….

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 26, 2016 in Random

 

“I’m not beautiful”, you said one day. I wish you realise how much beautiful you are because you will probably not take my word seriously for it. From your physical attributes to the person that you are, I could go on all day to explain all day how much beautiful you are and it’d still be not enough.

Have you ever seen your hair flowing with the air? Have you ever realised how much adorable your smile is? You’re tall, you’re hot, you’re smart, you’re witty, you have brains, you have an exceptional sense of humour, your big eyes, those expressions of yours when you like something that you have done, and the cutest of all, the little dimple that you get. I could go on and on but I will save something for later.

I have mad respect for you because of the way you have lived your life till now, overcoming every hardship life had to throw at you. You stayed true to the name you have been given, showing the world that nothing can put you down. Despite all the shit, you have pulled yourself through and conquered. Damn you, girl!! I wish I had an even inch of the courage you have.

I thought I had known you almost completely but since this past week, it feels like I have only known a glimpse of you. You are so much more than you look. There’s so much more to explore about you, to understand you and I know that is much more awesome than what I had already known. I wish to know more of your passionate side and all that is still classified.

I am lucky enough to be the person you share your things with easily. I think I have done probably some good things in my life that I was rewarded with getting to know you. I look at your smiling avi first up in morning because it charges me up like nothing else. Till the moment you send me “moorninngg”, I don’t feel like doing anything. And when it’s just a simple “Morning”, my heart immediately starts to race and to get to the depth of the thing that has caused you to be upset. Nothing seems to work when you’re down. I want to try all I can in that moment to know what’s disturbing you. I know I am so annoying at that moment when I keep asking you what has happened but I just can’t help it. In that moment, I just want to squeeze in all that sadness from you.

I have mad respect for you, Paglee, and I can’t ever bring myself to take it for granted. I will seriously hurt myself from the guilt if it is ever tarnished. I know the limits and boundaries that we have and I swear it to you, I’m never crossing those. And I know it for instance that if I ever get carried away, you’ll halt me right there.

I fear losing you and this bond that we share. I have totally dedicated myself for you and your happiness. I can’t think of pulling out from it now. You are everything I have now apart from my career. I don’t ever want to lose this awesome-azing person from my life.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 20, 2016 in Random